Lois Lane vs The Baroness
The following DC Comics/G.I. Joe crossover isn't canon.Inside the Daily Planet building, Lois Lane, her husband Clark Kent and all of their colleagues are reunited in Perry White’s office. “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Nadja Ceraste, our new employee. She’s from Toulouse, France and has years of experience; so, let’s give her a warm welcome !” spoke the affable editor. “Thank you so much Monsieur White. I am so proud to join your reputed journal, whose values are truth, justice and zee American way.” gleefully replied the lady with an accent, who wears a knotted red shirt, long blue flare jeans and emerald high heeled sandals. Everyone greet the tall and slim blonde woman with glasses; however, as Lois shakes her hand, she suddenly feels some signal of distrust. “I’m pretty sure I saw her face elsewhere. Plus, her name sounds so strange…” thought the stunning, tall and lithe brunette with purple eyes. About fifteen minutes later, Lois is at her desk, in front of her laptop. She’s doing an article about Cobra, the fearsome terrorist organization, and as she looks at the pictures of the known members, she freezes. “That Nadja Ceraste looks way too much like Anastasia Cisarovna, aka The Baroness.” mouthed Lane. “Lois, is everything all right ?” asked Clark, sensing that her wife is concerned about something. “Don’t worry Smallville: everything's fine and dandy ! I’m just working on my piece, which is due for tonight.” smiled the lovable woman, who wears a white blouse with roses, long dark blue flare jeans and purple high heels. “If you say so; don’t hesitate to holler.” told the tall and muscular man with round glasses. “I’m wondering why that murderess would come here, posing as a French reporter ?!” whispered Lane. “I must speak to her but in private. I wouldn’t mind if Clark would overhear our conversation; I must be on my guard. That Baroness is a cunning but dangerous bird of bad omen…” thought Lois before rising up from her chair. “Excusez-moi, Mlle Ceraste ? (Excuse me, Miss Ceraste ?) Can we speak in private please ?” queried Lane to the new employee. “Of course ! What ees the reason please ?” gently responded Nadja. “Let’s say it’s my own way to welcome new employees.” said Lois. The other woman takes her beige purse and then, she follows the experienced field reporter. They climb a staircase and once both women are on the roof, which is illuminated by the early summer’s sun, Lois begins to speak: “I know you’re not who you pretend to be: your accent and rather ophidian name sound so phony. Also, I carefully studied your face; you’re in reality The Baroness, Cobra Commander’s lieutenant and intelligence officer. May I please ask why you’re masquerading as a fake journalist ?” “I… I do not have zee slightest idea of what you are talking about.” stuttered Ceraste while moving back. “I think I know the reason: you’re here to kill Perry White, because he allowed the publication of very interesting stuff about your organization. You cowards are truly without any ounce of shame…” sighed the disgusted purple-eyed brunette. As for “Nadja”, she gets very angry, removes her wig and glasses, tosses them on the high ground and yells: “I’ve had enough of your defamatory insinuations, you snotty meddler. Now that you uncovered the truth, I shall kill you. COBRA !!!” From her handbag, she takes her real thick-framed black glasses, puts them on and next, she produces a silenced pistol. The intrepid reporter instantly kicks off her heels and run; Cisarovna fires her gun but misses. Not knowing that her prey is a well-trained army brat, she empties her only magazine without hitting Lane, who gracefully dodges the bullets. After, the villainess curses in Russian and removes her sandals. “Ok Miss Lane, you’re calling me and Cobra cowards, eh ? Then, prove that you’re not one: I dare you to fight me, hand-to-hand. After I’m done with you, I won’t hesitate to crush your pathetic skull like an egg.” declared Baroness before guffawing like an unleashed madwoman. “Bring it on, sister !” smirked Lois while waving her hands.The Daily Planet reporter attacks first: she attempts a palm strike at Anastasia’s face but the latter quickly intercepts the move. In retaliation, she does a painful body slam and Lois’s back hits the roof’s pavement. After, the lady with glasses loudly screams and stomps Lane’s stomach; the brunette yelps while closing her eyes. “Don’t you realize you’re no match at all for me, suka (bitch) ?” giggled Baroness, now displaying an evil and sadistic grin that goes from ear to ear. “If you kill me… then prepare for the... worst: my friend Superman will… destroy your crummy operation… just like he once did… with the Quraci army.” groaned Lois. With great difficulty, she stands up and the other jet-black haired character speaks: “I’m not afraid of your ‘Superman’: in my purse I have let’s say… a little deterrent. Now, Lois Lane, do svidaniya ! (goodbye !)” cackled the Cobra intelligence officer. However, Lois painfully manages to crack a smile and she points the sky. Baroness turns her curious head and in the distance, she sees a blue and red blur that comes at high speed towards her. “Chyort ! (Damn !) No matter, I must kill your boss: I’ve no time to waste...” hissed the furious terrorist before doing a powerful, flying roundhouse kick. Lois’s unconscious body flies a few feet away and soon after, a well-known figure lands near Anastasia.“So, you must be Superman, eh ?” disdainfully asked the unimpressed villainess. “Good thing that Lois has only a mild concussion; she’ll quickly recover but she seems in bad shape.” thought the Man of Steel after doing a quick check-up with his X-ray vision. “That’s correct Ms. Cisarovna: I was made aware of your plot to assassinate Perry White. Not only you badly hurt my good friend Lois but let’s say that Stryker’s Island prison has a room ready for you.” told the superhero. “Ah ah ah, not so fast. I suppose you know what it is ?” smirked the virago before taking some object from her bag. It’s a little cubic case made of lead: she opens it and something green starts to glow. Then, the shoeless, maniacal woman with scarlet toenails walks towards her enemy while joyfully humming.As for Superman, he hardly falls on his knees: he’s now profusely sweating as the tiny chunk of green Kryptonite is getting nearer to him. “This must be one of the stupidest weaknesses I ever heard of. But it seems to have a larger-than-life effect on you, or should I say a larger-than-death ?” mockingly spoke the career terrorist, who has the charm and the cruelty of a cobra. “M… mer...cy…” moaned Superman, now lying on his back. His eyes are bloodshot and the veins on his face are all swollen up; after, Baroness angrily stomps the Kryptonian’s crotch. As he whines, she presses her foot harder but she doesn’t know that Lois regained conscience mere moments ago. “Alien scum ! If you want to live, then you must lick my feet.” chortled the wicked lady, now standing on Superman’s emblematic chest symbol. She’s still holding the lead case in her hands and her left foot is now over her foe’s face. The faltering superhero utters: “N… nev...er…” “That’s too bad: like Perry White and your sweet lady friend, you all will die. HAHAHAHAH…” told the careless she-devil before falling on the pavement. With enough force, Lois just miraculously knocked out The Baroness with one of her discarded shoes. Next, she picks up the Kryptonite case, which is lying near the agonizing champion, and she instantly closes it. Now that the sun’s rays are quickly recharging Superman’s recuperating body, Lane helps her husband getting on his feet. “All you all right honey ?” queried Lane, her eyes full of tears. “I’ve been better but way much worse: thank you so much for saving my life. And you baby, how are you feeling ?” replied Superman, his face and eyes now normal. “My body’s aching a little: I wouldn’t say no to a little hospital check-up. But this horrible, yellow bandit absolutely needs to be brought to Stryker’s.” humbly said the purple-eyed brunette. “Don’t worry about it: it’ll be done soon. If Cobra comes to Metropolis to attempt to free her, I’ll be there.” winked the Man of Tomorrow. Next, Lane puts her bare feet on her husband’s red boots, hugs him and tells: “I love you so much Clark: you saved my life as I saved yours.” “Same for me, Lois !” told Superman before exchanging a deep, passionate kiss with his dear wife. The end
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